in search of an impossible honesty

i would like to say that i am an honest man. one dedicated to truth. but ___ words are mere dreams of ___ reality, loosely fitted. shifting this way and that as ___ walk. as ___ talk. and as ___ think. as soon as the stories are told, ___ find holes. there must have been times ___ felt sure. but ___ not quite sure. and ___ cannot recall these times. ___ do, however, remember the moments of uncertainty, quite clear. clearly there was a task where ___ mind stepped in the way of 'to act'.

standing on the cliffs edge ___ remember wondering what it would be like to jump into ___ vast expanse of liquid. would it cool ___ breath, make ___ bleed, lead ___ to the promised land or simply quell an itch?

the thirst for a life finally scratched into perdurable depths. ___ bones ripped from ___ flesh. and in the middle of some air with no ground left to stand upon, an eternal darkness plagued ___ mind.

and ___ here, without ___.

who was right, and who was wrong to have done so many... things?

and time was wasting away as ___ tried endlessly to convince ___ with a poem.

without hair to run fingers through.
without ___ and without ___.

___ had enough time to get beyond the notion of good, the notion of evil.

and still frozen monuments plague ___ mind.
if all of it
was right and yet,
do not forget
that if it was right
then it...
well, it
was also
so...
very wrong.

___ always being trapped.
a caged bird
instinctively singing
___ caged song.

walking past the people or
through them,
the throng.
eyes measure
and beats...
withdrawn.

well, ___,
like the beats,
roll along.

written in blocks
to avoid recognition
to lack a standing out
or a standing up.
even, quite possibly,
a standing strong.

___ believe nothing
and ___ believe ___ all.

for the time being,
___ here
and ___ cannot even
know
the places
___ have seen and
people ___ have been.

this and that -
- once again.

each and every containing
bits and pieces of ___.
bits and pieces of ___.

___ building.

nothing et all.

but ___ already...
(would like to say)
never ending
(but cannot).

said forever and never
a million times over
(only to ___ self?)
___ cannot remember.

the reality of the situation
is not that ___ cannot but,
___ fear what it would mean to...
and so it is not that ___ cannot,
it is that ___ do not.

the whip snaps and ___ knuckles crack.

this way or that.

weight,
too much to handle
at times like these.
getting ready for work
while getting out a word -
- to get in.

___ car runs and ___ walk.
a compression is happening.
an imprisonment of sorts.
a willful copulation
of structured schedules
coupled with...
a brief hello.

the bottom of the barrel.
no where left to go.
the pressure is too much and ___ feel small,
confined.
trapped at the bottom,
___ float.
only to gain a false sense of largeness.
empty.
to the top of the full half-glass.

a mirrored image
looking out to see.

Alas!

___ free.

___ nothing
but a plastic embodiment
of nothing -
- more than a dream.

___ ups
and yes,
there are the downs.

and ___ not really been around
or gotten around this world
___ mean wrapped ___ mind around it.
not like ___ at least.
always and never slipping out the back.

a place to call home.
a fortress.
a veritable war zone.
an invisible line determined -
- to be set in stone.

so on ___ guard ___ sit.
preparing for the attack,
___ sit.

upstream or down
or pulling off,
in between,
to the side of the blinding traffic -
- filled streets.

___ may stop to ask if everything is 'alright'
(well the answer being both yes and no)
___ tell them ___ decided to enjoy
something simple
yes, something simple
like,
the rivers flow,
from the banks.

take accounts.

no more or no less,
a fraction of a penny -
- ___ thoughts.

the child abuses
the freedom, in tact.

six years down the road.

React!

another scene -
- one of 'the play'

___ remind you of,
___ this, and that.
the usual unusual compilation of thoughts
and holidays.
and, only in time
to be -
- sewn together.

and it seems to ___,
yes, that is right,
it seems, to ___.

___ remember what
___ wanted to be.

chosen once
and,
then again.

the end.

everything.

all mixed up.

the words.

___ friend.

study which way the road will bend.

take that next wide angled curve -
- too quickly.

aborting child -
- like thoughts.

wrought like iron fences
and caught like... well...
like something.
or better yet,
like something that could not be caught.

___ bonds bound,
too tightly and ___ do not grow.
too loosely and ___ never know.

if there is one who is certain,
let the record show.